But I Looked So Happy… (part 1)
When I was 23 I had extensions, and fake nails, worked as a waitress at a strip club, and was making music in my bedroom to deal with heartbreak and a chaotic mind. My neighbor was a prostitute who welcomed clients at home (on the other side of my bedroom wall). I hardly slept, drank laxative tea to lose weight, and was sleeping with my boss while looking for a husband on Tinder. But I looked so happy.
Eventually, my over-achieving ass graduated top of the class with a bachelor’s in interior design. I booked my tickets to Boston where I planned to intern for free until I could convince someone to be my sponsor so I could apply for a work visa.
My dream was to work my way up through the lines of epic designers. I was ready to do all the coffee runs, to be available 24/7, to be the first one in the office and the last one to leave. I told myself (and everyone else) that I did my best work when I was stressed and enjoyed the buzz of the deadline.
I got on that plane so excited to start a new chapter that I didn’t sleep for a second during the 8-hour flight. I felt more awake than I had in such a long time. I got to Boston and was picked out for random questioning at the visa check. Everything seemed to go fine. They just had to confirm with the designer I was supposed to work for that she was in fact not paying me.
Turned out she told them she was. I was in shock. I was only going to intern (for free) for a couple of weeks before going on a road trip with a friend. I was put on the first flight back home to Norway. Crying. I was suddenly so tired. Before we got in the air she texted me saying she had wanted to surprise me, because I’d worked so hard (for free) for her in the past. My sweet friend. I owe her everything I have in this life.
Hitting that very hard wall knocked my life right back on track. See, I was never supposed to move to the US. I was never supposed to spend my life climbing the ladder and feeding a stressful lifestyle, selling my soul for someone else’s happiness. I was supposed to find my own happiness. Like everyone is.
I didn’t know where to go or what to do, so I went to the one place I’ve always felt safe; Grandma’s house. Eventually, I moved into my brother’s old apartment and my grandpa got me an old, beat-up VW Polo. I adopted a stray dog (Tia), got a couple of jobs waitressing and bartending, and started doing yoga at home every day.
Growing up, we moved and changed schools every couple of years. I was a social and outgoing kid so it was never a problem for me to find my place, but I never put down roots. Especially not in that tiny, narrow-minded, stupid town! I wasn’t planning on staying. It was just somewhere to get my bearings before moving on to real life in the big city.
I never saw it coming though; the care and compassion from a tight-knit, well-established community. People I didn’t know knew me, they knew my mom and my grandparents. They were interested in how I was doing, what my plans were and if they could help.
I had breakfast at my grandma’s house every morning, leaving the dog with her before heading to work. Picking her up and eating dinner there while talking about life with grandma, teasing my grandpa and being loved on so hard by them both. I had coffee and waffles with my aunt and uncle every week after my yoga class. I played boardgames with my neighbors and took my great grandma out for shopping and cake at the coffee shop every weekend.
I connected with so many people on so many levels. I was a piece of the small-town puzzle and felt like I contributed, was valued, and belonged. This little seed was finally able to sprout and put down some roots, and it felt so good. That feeling of safety opened my mind. It changed my entire perspective on life, unveiled my true self and with it a calmness and confidence.
I’ve run out of time. The kids are done playing with legos and want me to read them a book. I’ll continue in the morning. Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment or sign up to my newsletter if you like how I write. I’m at war with AI and I can’t tell yet if I’m winning or loosing. Lift your eyes today. Meet someone’s gaze. Ask them how they are. Love Trine Marie.
